Question for those who got married right before residency

[Guest]

Were your future spouses reluctant with the idea of you pursuing Nsgy residency? Assuming you just got married during 4th year, that would put you in residency right at the start of your marriage. I cant imagine that all new marriages can survive that. Any advice for determining whether your future spouse would be up for basically waiting for you for seven years? Red flags that indicate a weak marriage?

[Guest]

I think asking how your spouse felt while you were on sub-is is a good litmus test for what residency would be like. The key difference being that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for sub-is as they typically only last a few weeks, and you are not accountable for any of the mistakes that you make. There is no light during residency, and you are accountable for everything. To some extent, you can structure your elective years to spend more time at home, and hell you can even choose to phone it in during chief year and take on the easy cases and go home early while dumping the work on the rest of your team. That's your choice. Just realize that the more time you spend outside of the hospital, the more your skills will suffer. Your spouse needs to understand that.

Having these conversations with your spouse early is important. I benefit from having a partner that is also in medicine who understands the demands of residency, and parents who are dying to take care of their grandchildren, so this wasn't a hard conversation for me to have. Life gets significantly better once you start taking less call and get more confident in your abilities, but the work never stops. Seek role models in residents and attendings at your institution that are married and have families. There is absolutely a happy balance that can be achieved.

[drstrange]

I got married a couple of months before starting to someone not in neurosurgery. She ended up having to move across the country but still has a great job in the new city.

Not going to lie - we had a number of long talks about not going into neurosurgery all throughout medical school. We even did couples counseling before residency to work it out. Ultimately, my wife is the most supportive spouse I've seen in all of my co-residents and attendings. You have to be completely honest with them about why you're doing neurosurgery and talk about priorities. You have to make some kind of sacrifice as well otherwise it will all seem one-sided (e.g., subspeciality choice, post-residency jobs, fellowship).

The hardest thing that you need to realize going in is that life doesn't stop during residency. If you see this as "I'll just get through these seven years AND THEN start my life" - you're gonna have a bad time. Your non-medical friends or people in less demanding specialties get to keep moving on. You need to find a way to have that for your spouse. This advice goes for you, too.

Our key is simple. She knows that there are a lot of days that she will not be the number one priority time-wise. I try to be realistic about when I'm going to be at home. I try to save at least some energy to bring home and share with her. If your fiance/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever isn't cool with that, game over man.

Funny enough, after years of at-home pagers and listening to consults during my chief year - she's probably better at answering calls than most junior attendings.

[Guest]

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